Dreams of Past Lovers

Last night I dreamed of Lili. I have no idea where it came from, since I haven't been thinking of her lately. Indeed, I have been thinking of several other lovers that are far away, rather than this ex that is far away. I don't remember much of what happened in the dream; if it was us talking over dinner, a hot and steamy night, or if it was some strange dream-thing like flying through clouds or eating peanut butter. I don't know if they were memories or fantasies, but it was one of those dreams that seemed oh so real. Regardless, I woke up with an intense and very strong longing to be with her, to hold her close, and to see her smile and laugh. Memories, or perhaps half faded dreams, flooded though my mind of the times we spent together, and I don't know whether they are tears of sorrow at her absence, longing for the past, or tears of sweet remembrance that now form in the corners of my eyes.

Dreams can cause some really powerful emotions. I recall a dream I had about a girl in my high school (it involved something about us driving a van) and I remember that I started to be very attracted to her. Seriously; all initiated by a dream, my view of her suddenly changed from "a nice girl who is fun to hang out with" to ""a nice girl who is fun to hang out with" and with whom I would love to have a close and loving relationship." I find it amazing what strength of emotions can come from dreams, that sometimes seem so real.

This happened once with a dream of Sara last winter, and I was so overcome with emotion that I asked for the day off work and it dominated my thoughts for several hours. Thank god that was a Friday, because I think it took me a few days of distraction to fully get over that. It makes sense to me that this has occurred concerning both Sara and Lili, since were two of my longer and more serious relationships. Lili and I's relationship involved here basically moving in with me for about two months, with added new stresses that perhaps wouldn't have existed if she had stayed in her dorm and if I had had my apartment to myself. Also, both my relationship with Lili and with Sara ended with my getting on an airplane to go to the other's home country. There was still plenty of passion and affection at the end of both of these relationships, and plenty of tears at their ends as we said goodbye; Lili and I at the airport before I had to proceed alone through the security check, not caring about the other people around watching a crying couple exchange their last embrace; Sara and I at Kalamazoo College in front of the library, the bright sun shining down, me trying to cut it off more cleanly and she trying to gain another 30 minutes with me before we said our goodbyes, and then with me laying in the grass trying unsuccessfully to stop my tears and hide my sorrow after she had left, waiting for Julie to come and console me, trying to let go of the past as I tried to focus on the future.

It is strange and emotionally quite overwhelming when this happens, and perhaps if I hadn't decided so clearly and let Lili know so clearly that we were definitely over as a couple, I would send her an email to let her now how I missed her. It is tempting to write something telling her that someday I will have more money and I will go back to Beijing and I will treat her right and be there for her; that we will travel together and explore and laugh. But I won't do that. I remember trying to spend time with her during my second time in Beijing, after we were no longer a couple, and I remember that it was simply far too trying for me. Spending time with her as a friend involved me constantly desiring to be more than that with her. I know that we would quarrel a lot as a couple, though and I remember all the stresses and things I didn't like about us being together. Our clashes, whether they were cultural, personal, or something else, are something that I don't want to repeat. I would be satisfied (happy?) with something more relaxed and casual, but Lili doesn't want something more in-between or more in the gray area between platonic friends and a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. She is basically in the market for a linearly progressing relationship: boyfriend → serious boyfriend → husband. I don't want to make to big of a generalization, especially since she doesn't seem (to me) like a standard Chinese girl, but that is a very common mindset for Chinese girls. Since I don't want to go along with that progression, since I was not willing to commit to the possibility of marriage, there is no room for me there. Although the strong emotions of last night's dream are imbued throughout my mind, but don't want to lead her on to believe something that will not happen. Even when (if?) I go back to Beijing eventually, I shouldn't spend time with Lili. As I said, desires and urges to be a lover of hers made it too difficult to be a friend of hers, so there is no kind of relationship that we are able to have.

Postscript: Thank goodness that faded. I don't need or that distraction. By that evening it wasn't even crossing my mind anymore.